“Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.” -Tony Schwartz
The only certainty in this life is that we will transition from this body we inhabit at some point. I am constantly reminded that nothing is permanent. Just when you think it is, BAM! Change happens and the unknown of the next moment arises. Just because I have processed stored emotions and dense energy in my body from past experiences, doesn’t mean that the past won’t rear it’s head ever again.
I had another night terror last night. I have been having them pretty regularly for the past few months. Last night, as I lay awake at 3 in the morning, I was partly feeling afraid to fall back asleep, and partly going over in my mind, “Why do I keep having these night terrors about my childhood?” I lay in bed analyzing how I have progressed, not only in my waking state but in my dream state as well. I used to have these night terrors about being molested by my dad and wake up in such a panic. I’d be crying, feeling my body completely contracted too frightened to get out from under the covers. As time has gone on, those sensations and reactions are not as strong. The haunting dreams occur less often. I don’t know why they have been so prevalent lately. I am resigned to find peace in which I do not need to know. There was a time when I was certain that I had done so much processing/healing around this past experience that it was completely laid to rest. I am in a space now where I am more curious about what I still need to learn/process/feel around certain experiences and I want to be open to whatever arises in my world. Just because trauma or experience is in the past, it does not mean that little tidbits of memory won’t come up ever again. The last few months, these “tidbits” are appearing while I am asleep. I wake up, feeling frustrated, angry and sometimes sad. Then, I lay awake recognizing that, when these night terrors happen, now I’m am stronger in them. I stand up for myself, I leave, or I yell, but not in a scared way, in an empowered way. I think about how, in the past, I would be paralyzed with fear. I realize what a long way I have come. My modus operandi now is to focus on my breath. I slowly scan my body head to toe, relaxing every little muscle as I go. Breathing…Relaxing…Breathing…Relaxing…Breathing…Relaxing…
I think it is important to share this part of my healing process from my childhood trauma. Life is not “all or nothing.” Lately, I have posted whimsical poems about various life topics. This is part of me. But I would not be fully me if I didn’t share the other part of me too. The part where experiences occur in my life when I feel somber, afraid or angry. The part that creeps in every now and then as a reminder that life is not always “hunky dory” and I need to feel ALL emotions that show up. There is not one “side” or the other. I choose “ALL OF ME!” I want to feel the entire spectrum of emotions that we as human beings have. I believe by doing so, I am more connected to myself and can have compassion, understanding, and love when I see other people going through what may be challenging times in their own life.
The last couple of weeks I have been wanting to publish a more extensive blog but didn’t know what to write about. Well, I guess I sorted that out.
Things aren’t going to change if we don’t bring them to light. And I literally mean BRING THEM TO LIGHT. Bring light to the situation. WE ARE LIGHT. COME OUT FROM UNDER THE COVERS! Shine your light!
I have Luigi and Angel Ruth, a sabertooth and a mouse, feelings of joy and happiness, and also feelings of sadness and anger all living inside me. It is all part of being human.
Life! Creating peace is not only about loving the parts of myself that feel “good” in my body, but ALL parts. Allowing ALL feelings to flow with ease, embracing ALL that shows up in my world and breathing. Loving and accepting all of me, exactly as I am. “This is what I’m doin’!”
Love and light