Last week I spoke of discovering my pattern of not speaking up. That is definitely part of my ever-changing personality. But I have also had my share of screaming and expressing anger in a not so pleasant manner.
I learned how toxic my words can be while I was going through my divorce. I said the most awful toxic words and name calls to my ex-husband. I mean TOXIC! He was my verbal punching bag! I am so grateful my words did not ruin our love and friendship! I ALWAYS felt guilty afterward. Even after an apology, I could feel the toxicity swirling inside of me. It did NOT make me feel better to potentially make someone else feel “bad.” I literally hated parts of myself at times.
At one point, during this life transition, I was seeing 3 different spiritual counselors. I was searching for guidance on how to move through this experience! I was in a bodywork session with my therapist. A book grabbed my attention called “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” by Marshall Rosenberg. I asked if I could borrow it. My Therapist said “Yes.” It became my bible for the next year! It literally changed my life! From this book, I learned the tools to connect with my emotions and to express what I was feeling. It was a modern day miracle in my mind! Ask any of my friends or family. I was so excited about this book I gave a copy to everyone I knew that year.
This book (along with eventually joining an 8-month long training program) taught me how to feel my emotions, connect to the needs around the emotions and express my voice from that space. I was learning to FEEL my feelings. Feeling our emotions is something that we, as a society do not generally do. We yell, we scream, we throw things, we drink and eat in excess in order to not feel. I have done all of the above myself. We are often told to “brush it off, get over it, or suck it up.” We are taught that feeling sad or angry is “wrong.” When in actuality, it is okay to feel sad, angry, happy or any other emotion that arises. What we do during those times is what makes a difference. I learned to recognize that emotions are energy in motion. Not experiencing our emotions as they arise creates stagnant energy in our bodies that is waiting to be experienced.
NVC taught me how to communicate and connect with another person, but more importantly, it taught me how to feel the emotions that come up in MY own body in that moment. Connect with myself. Experience what is happening in my body. This is living in the moment. It changed my life. Well, I changed my life, but studying non-violent communication gave me the tools to do it.
I realized, from experience, that people often feel bad enough already. I do not want to contribute to possibly making someone feel worse. That does not make ME feel good. I do not want to experience arguing and discomfort in my life. I want to CONNECT with people and find resolutions for what is happening in the world. The way I know how to do that is by connecting with me and creating experiences with love and compassion. That feels better in my body and for what I want to see happen on the planet. Who wouldn’t want that?! If you think you don’t want that, I invite you to sit quietly with yourself. Focus on your breath and heart and see what comes up for you. The time is NOW to embrace, love and accept all of you! Look at what is going on in the world. How do you want to show up?
We are all connected. Even if you cannot understand that in this moment, imagine that we are. If calling someone “fat” hurts a person’s feelings, and we are all connected, you are telling yourself you are fat and are hurting yourself. How does that feel to you as you read that? Joyful? Happy? Sad? Angry? Just notice without judgment. You have the capability to create what you want in your life. We all do!
Recently, I was in a session with a woman who gave me “homework.” That is, “work” that brings you back to YOU. I just love that! I am going to give you some “homework.” Next time you are in a conversation with someone and a question gets asked, bring your inner focus to your heart and take a breath before you respond. Check in with how you are truly feeling about what the person is requesting of you. Take a moment to connect with YOU before answering. Test it out. See what happens. You may find that you respond differently than if you answered right away.
I invite you to share here in the comments section, any experiences that you have or questions.
love and light